Breaking the Habit
by Rashalla Entalio
Summary: I don't know why I do it, I don't know when I started, I don't even know why I keep doing it. All I know is that I do..." 1x2 Rated M for yaoi and self-harm issues. Don't like it? Then don't read it. Will be continued in the near future...
1. You All Assume

**Breaking the Habit**  
By: Rashalla Entalio

* * *

**_Rated R for YAOI and SELF-HARM_**

Pairings: Heero Yuy/Duo Maxwell and allusions to Trowa Barton/ Quatre Winner  
  
"I don't know why I do it. I don't know exactly when I first started or why I keep doing it. All I know is that I do... that I cut." 1x2 Can Duo survive the deadliest thing yet... can Duo survive himself? This is rated R for yaoi and self-harm issues. Don't like it, then don't read it.  
  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of the associated terms, characters or places. This was written for personal use and was not intended as copyright infringement. The within plotline is mine, or if it has been done before (which is very likely) then it is not meant as plagiarism. This story may be archived and downloaded with the author's explicit permission.  
  
I also do not own any part of the song, "Breaking the Habit". Linkin Park wrote and performed this song. To see the full copyright information look on the back of a Meteora CD or contact me through e-mail  
  
Don't steal, don't sue and every one goes home happy!

**Warnings**: This story includes R-rated material that may not be suitable for young children. The within story is based around the concept of **self- harm/self-mutilation (i.e. cutting)**; it also contains **yaoi (i.e. male/male relationships)**. If either of these things disturbs you, then please do not read this. **Any anti-yaoi or anti-cutting comments will be deleted**, as that is what this fic is based on. I will not be held responsible at this point for causing someone to squick because of the obsessive warnings I have out on this.  
  
Well, (takes a deep breath) without further adieu, let the show begin... (pulls curtains back as the lights dim)

* * *

**Chapter One of Breaking the Habit: "You All Assume"**  
  
**_ "...You all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again..."_**  
**-- From "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park**

* * *

I don't know why I do it. I don't know when I started or why I keep doing it. All I know is that I do... that I cut.  
  
I don't think about it often, so I don't worry about it most of the time. It... it's just always been like that; it's as much a part of me as my name. Yes, I'm Duo Maxwell: L-2 street-rat turned priest, turned Gundam pilot and terrorist; Duo Maxwell: the guy with the long hair, the guy with purple eyes, the guy that's always smiling and always laughing; Duo Maxwell: the depresses cutter, that's afraid to sleep at night because he's afraid to face his traitorous mind, his worst nightmares.  
  
Before I became a pilot, my cutting wasn't really an issue. Lots of people on L-2 cut. Yeah, sure, Sister Helen had a fit when she found out, but after a while she saw that that's just who I am. So she let me keep cutting, keep smiling.  
  
Even after I became a pilot and met the rest of my friends, my oddities were rarely ever brought up. Everybody had their own problems, why worry about mine? Yeah, I'll admit that Quatre had a right fit when he found out. It took a while before I could make him understand that I can't not cut. It just doesn't work that way; I don't work that way. Trowa and Wufei just shrugged when they found out; it was none of their business what I did to my own body, so why should they care? Even Sally, our obsessive doctor, gave up after a while.  
  
No one ever made a big deal out of it, that is, until the "Perfect Soldier", Heero Yuy found out.  
  
We were at one of our many safe houses. Heero, Wufei and I were sharing a room. I was sitting on my own bed, minding my own business and Heero and Wufei were nowhere to be found. They were probably resting, as we had just gotten back from a damn long mission, which had left Trowa in a coma and Wufei's arm broken.  
  
At first I tried to ignore the itching, the burning, the calling of my blades. My lovely little blades, safe and tucked away in my backpack, were too enticing though. I hadn't cut in a few weeks, which is a long time for me. My last cuts were almost completely healed and in that nasty, itchy stage.  
  
I finally gave in and pulled out my blades, picking out my favorite. Bracing myself, I slowly pushed down gently, pulling the small blade across my delicate skin. I winced as it broke through; kissing it's cool way into my wrist.  
  
The blood welled up and spilled over, and I was already cutting a second time. As the blood flowed away, so did my worries, my tension. By the third cut I was calm and sickeningly sated.  
  
That's when Heero, Mr. I-have-the-worst-timing-in-the-world, decided to walk in.  
  
I couldn't have made a more guilty picture. With a bloodied blade, slit wrists and a shocked, scared expression, I was the epitome of "caught in the act."  
  
The silence was complete, painfully so, like the calm before the storm. Oh, and what a storm he could be- a storm named Heero Yuy.  
  
But that storm never came. Heero looked from the blade to my wrist, and he did the unexpected: he turned and walked out. No angry yelling of "Your stupid baka!" or demands of an explanation. No, the "Perfect Soldier" had to be perfectly emotionless and walk out, calm as can be.

* * *

I don't know how long I just sat there, shocked look still painted on my face. It could have been an hour or six, and I wouldn't have known the difference. When I finally got up to put my blades away it was almost midnight. Not that time, night or day made much of a difference to us pilots. All it was was a change in scenery and the only thing it affected was whether or not we had to turn the night vision on in our Gundams.  
  
After I had cleaned my blades, and myself up, I wandered down stairs to the living room/ TV room/ dining room/ kitchen/ office/ hospital/ all-around everything room. Wufei was asleep in an armchair in the corner, and Trowa and Quatre were asleep in their room. Heero, though, was wide-awake, sitting at the breakfast bar. He was typing away at his laptop. He glanced up when he heard me walk in.  
  
Our eyes locked: pleading, confused violet and stern, midnight blue locked in a battle. It was one of the fiercest battles I had ever fought, and I still managed to loose; I looked away first. Heero closed his laptop with a faint click. I could hear him push his chair back as he got up. His sock-clad feet made no sound as he walked towards me. I shied away from his touch but he caught me anyway. He held my arm gently, firmly.  
  
"I... I can explain..." I started to stammer out. His response was a soft "shh." Heero led me back up the stairs and into our shared room and over to his side of the room, his bed. I sat down with Heero next to me. He was whispering soft nonsense, trying to calm my jitteriness (1).  
  
"Shh, Duo, it'll be alright. It's okay, Duo..." His soft baritone was comforting, warm and calm. My knee slowed it's jogging, my hands stopped their nervous fidgeting and my breathing slowed to a more normal pace. Through all of this Heero was there, calm and reassuring, like always.  
  
The warmth of Heero's arms and the emotional exhaustion enticed me into a soft, safe sleep. Before the black of unconsciousness took me, though, I felt Heero lay me down on his bed with his arms around me...

* * *

(1) I love this word and think that it describes the feeling perfectly. I would like to give credit to ShinigamiPhoenix who wrote "Jittery" for that word. If you haven't read "Jittery" then I would like to highly recommend it. 

Please Review, as that is what I live on. This is my frst GW fic, so please tell me what you think: i.e. should I continue because it's actually good, or should I stop taking up precious space on FF.N? And yes, I know that this is a really short chapter. Don't worry, it's not short because of ideas, it's short because I didn't know if anyone would like it. The next chapter's will be longer, if anyone wants me to continue it.

Thanks in advance for the nice reviews I know you are all going to leave me!


	2. Memories Comsume

**Breaking the Habit**  
By: Rashalla Entalio

* * *

**Rated R for YAOI and SELF-HARM**

Pairings: Heero Yuy/Duo Maxwell (it'll get there, I promise) and allusions to Trowa Barton/ Quatre Winner (later)  
  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of the associated terms, characters or places. This was written for personal use and was not intended as copyright infringement. The within plotline is mine, or if it has been done before (which is very likely) then it is not meant as plagiarism. This story may be archived and downloaded with the author's explicit permission.  
  
I also do not own any part of the song, "Breaking the Habit". Linkin Park wrote and performed this song. To see the full copyright information look on the back of a Meteora CD or contact me through e-mail  
  
Don't steal, don't sue and every one goes home happy!

**Warnings**: This story includes R-rated material that may not be suitable for young children. The within story is based around the concept of **self- harm/self-mutilation (i.e. cutting)**; it also contains **yaoi (i.e. male/male relationships)**. If either of these things disturbs you, then please do not read this. **Any anti-yaoi or anti-cutting comments will be deleted**, as that is what this fic is based on. I will not be held responsible at this point for causing someone to squick because of the obsessive warnings I have out on this.

* * *

**This chapter is dedicated to rocaddict! Thanks for the longest review. Also, if you haven't read her story, "Silence", it's amazing and beautifully intense. (Warning: it is a deathfic so don't read and then flame because you don't like deathfic's).**

**Also, if you haven't read fRuiTdevil's Innocent Cruelty, you really should. It's well-written and very intriguing**.  
  
Well, (takes a deep breath) without further adieu, let the show begin... (pulls curtains back as the lights dim)

* * *

**Chapter Two of Breaking the Habit: "Memories Consume"  
  
_"Memories consume,  
_****_ Like opening the wound,  
I'm picking me apart again..."_  
****-- From "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park **

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, I felt like I had woken up from a nightmare and a nice calm dream, both at the same time; I knew something was wrong, but at the same time I felt warm and safe. My mind was trying to piece itself together, when last night's events came crashing back, dragging me from bliss to reality in record time. The cutting, the confusion, the cuddling... Wait a minute, the cuddling? Did I really cuddle with Heero Yuy... as in Heero "I'm the Perfect Stick-up-my-ass Soldier" Yuy? Oh god, tell me it was all just a dream, but then again... it did feel kind of nice. Okay, so it was more like really nice... fine, alright it was wonderful beyond belief, and completely... impossible. There was no way in heaven or hell that Heero Yuy would have cuddled and comforted me, and for the second time in the past five minutes I went from euphoria to shit.  
  
My thoughts were interrupted when Wufei walked in, his arm in a cast. He glanced my way before freezing and doing a double take. He gave me a look that was somewhere between "Well, you look comfy" and "You are going to be so dead when Heero sees you." That, of course, was when I realized that I was wrapped up in Heero's comforter, laying on Heero's bed, on Heero's side of the room, in the safe house that Heero had found...  
  
Wufei and I both looked up from our thoughts when Mr. I-like-to-show-up- when-Duo-looks-extremely-guilty decided to walk in.  
  
I froze, for the second time in the past day, a picture-perfect Kodak moment for the word 'guilty.' And here he is, Duo Maxwell, spokes person for Guilty, Inc.'s newest product 'Caught in the Act.' 'Caught in the Act' is suitable for people of all ages...  
  
Heero cleared his throat and I kicked myself for letting my mind runaway with my attention and focus.  
  
"Umm... sorry... I'll just... umm..." I trailed off, unsure of what I was supposed to do. Was this a morning after situation or-  
  
My thoughts were cut off, this time by a snicker from Wufei followed by a grunt from Heero.  
  
"Now that you're awake..." Heero started to say. I expected him to at least ask me me if I was alright, but instead he said with his usual tact, "Get off my bed and pack up. You have a mission. You leave for L-2 immediately."  
  
Maybe God or fate or whoever was going for the all-time record of making Duo go from hopeful to feeling like absolute crap. Well, whoever was up there (down there, orfor that matter to the side of), was up to three times in the last ten minutes. But alas they wanted more.  
  
I was finally convinced that last night was just a dream when Heero said, "By the way, Maxwell, I put the blades that were in your pocket on your bed. I didn't want you to accidentally cut yourself." I grimaced when he stressed the word 'accidentally' as he proved that last night really happened.  
  
I swear I saw him frown when I muttered "Why bother avoiding cuts?" When I looked at him closer, all I could see was the mask of indifference that earned him the nickname "The Perfect Soldier." 

* * *

I picked up my duffle bag off of the luggage carousel and slung it over my shoulder. It was two days after what I had dubbed "The Heero Incident." Not original, I know, but I really wasn't in the mood for a unique title, like The CCC Incident (a.k.a. The Cutting, Confusion and Cuddling Incident).  
  
I sighed; I was now standing in one of the many space ports on L-2. My mission was pathetically simple: a basic search and destroy. My target wasn't all that interesting; he was some high-class businessman from L-1 who was manufacturing mobile suits illegally. The only thing that differentiated this man from the numerous other businessmen doing the same thing was that he was stupid enough to get caught.  
  
I sighed, and picked my way through the grimy, rundown spaceport. Every once and a while I would notice Preventers stationed near exits or around luggage carousels. After the Marmaria Incident the Preventers took up the positions of city police, government soldiers and special agents like me. Lady Une, now head of the Preventers, had threatened to shoot me herself if I didn't check in with the L-2 Preventers immediately. Oh well, she'll live if I check in tomorrow, I thought.  
  
Once again, I sighed, adjusting my duffle bag for the umpteenth time. I squared my shoulders and braced myself for the impromptu reunion with my home colony.  
  
As I stepped out of the spaceport, my senses were overwhelmed with filth. The sidewalk I was standing on was literally covered in slime and garbage. The air was stale, and I could smell, not only the garbage, but also the less pleasant smells of old blood and fresh wounds. Everywhere I looked I saw dirt and grime, pain and suffering, hunger and poverty. Well, I thought, L-2 hasn't changed a bit.  
  
I used to revel in the sweet smell of overripe garbage, used to thrive in the dark, dank underworld of L-2, had made a name for myself in this filthy, oppressive world, but now... now I was repulsed by it, disgusted that I had grown up loving this, and saddened that even well after my death children would grow up like I did, but most would meet Solo's fate(1).  
  
Stagnant air brushed by bangs away from my face as if to say, "Welcome Home, Duo Maxwell..."  
  
Well, all I could say was that it wasn't exactly great to be back. 

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Please review because that is what my muse and I live on. Flames will be used to cook yummy food (i.e. quesadillas and manicotti). 

**A/N: **The reason I did not update sooner is because my old computer sucked and shut down every ten minutes, literally. Plus, the fact that was being weird and not letting me upload anything. But now with my brand new, extra spiffy Compaq Presario (yay!) I can update more regularly. Also, I know I promised longer chapters, sorry. Don't worry the next chapter is about tree times as long... unless I decide to split it in half.  
  
**Thank you to...**

subzero13: I'm glad I caught your interest, Frozen Cranberry: yes, I agree long chapters are good. This one isn't exactly long, per se, but it's longer, Louise: Thanks, Kiyomi22: I'm glad you thought that chapter one was good. Don't worry I don't mind eager beavers. Thanks, and yes I did get more nice reviews, Rena Lupin: This isn't exactly soon, but blame that on my old computer and ff.n, depressionprob (Kristen): Glad you like it, Kristen. If you're interested I can recommend more fics to you, hails: Yes, I agree, "Jittery" is great, Solitaire: Thanks, I wasn't all that fond of the start, but thanks anyway. Again, "Jittery" is great, VamploverV: Sorry for the wait but my old computer sucked, Dana Archer: I agree, jittery is the perfect term for the feeling you get, rocaddict: "Breaking the Habit" is one of my all-time favorite songs. I'm glad you think that I presented cutting realisticly. Also, don't worry, not everyone has given up on Duo. You'll see (well, not in this chapter, but soon). And lastly, I never thought of it as a really long songfic, but I like that idea. So now all of the chapter titles will be a line from the song, fRuiTdevil: I'm glad you think that Heero is in character. That's what I was attempting. He's hard to write, but most of the time if you focus on his callous nature it usually works better.


	3. Lack of Options

**

* * *

Breaking the Habit  
**By: Rashalla Entalio

* * *

**Rated R for YAOI and SELF-HARM**  
  
Pairings: Heero Yuy/Duo Maxwell (it'll get there, I promise) and allusions to Trowa Barton/ Quatre Winner  
  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of the associated terms, characters or places. This was written for personal use and was not intended as copyright infringement. The within plotline is mine, or if it has been done before (which is very likely) then it is not meant as plagiarism. This story may be archived and downloaded with the author's explicit permission.  
  
I also do not own any part of the song, "Breaking the Habit". Linkin Park wrote and performed this song. To see the full copyright information look on the back of a Meteora CD or contact me through e-mail  
  
Don't steal, don't sue and every one goes home happy!  
  
**Warnings**: This story includes R-rated material that may not be suitable for young children. The within story is based around the concept of **self- harm/self-mutilation (i.e. cutting)**; it also contains **yaoi (i.e. male/male relationships)**. If either of these things disturbs you, then please do not read this. **Any anti-yaoi or anti-cutting comments will be deleted**, as that is what this fic is based on. I will not be held responsible at this point for causing someone to squick because of the obsessive warnings I have out on this.

* * *

**  
This chapter is dedicated to ShinigamiPhoenix for the longest reviews (Yay!). Once again, if you haven't read "Jittery" it's definitely a must read.**

**Also, if you haven't read "Shinigami Sleeps: A Duo and Trowa Story" by The Manwell, I highly recommend it. It is 2x3x2 slash, and is wonderfully written.  
  
A/N**: This story takes place after the war and Endless Waltz (the Mariemaia Incident). The year is **AC 197**, making the boys seventeen, except for Trowa who is 19 (all of the character descriptions of him that I've found say that his age is unknown, and since I think he looks older than the other boys I made him two years older). Also, **the first part of this chapter is in** **Duo's POV and the second part is in Heero's**.  
  
Well, (takes a deep breath) without further adieu, let the show begin... (pulls curtains back as the lights dim)

* * *

**  
Chapter Three of Breaking the Habit: Lack of Options  
**  
** _"...I hurt much more,  
Than any time before,  
I had no options left again..."_  
-- From "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park  
  
**

* * *

I held my breath as I turned the corner. This was a street I hadn't walked down in three years. As I walked down the street I was overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness and then despair. This was 32nd Street, the street where the Maxwell Church used to stand straight and proud on. Now, there was a pile of rubble and a beat up piece of plywood that declared this the site of the Maxwell Church Tragedy.  
  
My heart sank to see this once grand church so disrespected. The Maxwell Church used to help this whole neighborhood, never mind that it was just as poor as everyone else was. My childhood home was now nothing more than a bad memory to most. All of my good memories of Father Maxwell and Sister Helen were now tainted with seeing their bodies strewn recklessly over the rubble I now stood in front of.  
  
My fellow pilots often rolled their eyes when I told them that anyone who gets close to me, anyone who cares for me gets killed- taken by the ruthless Shinigami. First my parents, then my gang and Solo, Father Maxwell and Sister Helen... the list goes on. Maybe that's why I had never tried to get close to any of the pilots, especially not as close as Trowa and Quatre were.  
  
Perhaps, I thought, that's why I wanted Heero to care for me, because I knew, deep down in my heart of hearts, that Shinigami could never take Heero unless Heero really, truly wanted to die. How many people can you name who have self-destructed three times and still come out on top every time? I, for one, can only name one: Heero Yuy.  
  
Not to say that I don't care for the other pilots, because I do. I would do anything for them; I would die for them. Especially Heero, even though you couldn't ever make me say that out loud let alone admit it to his face. I cared for him, but to tell the truth, I wasn't strong enough to deal with the rejection I knew I would be faced with.  
  
I sighed, my thoughts drifting back to reality...  
  
I didn't realize that I had been fingering my blades until one nicked my forefinger, pain bringing my life into harsh focus. My hate and despair, sadness and hopelessness were getting the better of me. I needed release from the cruel reality of the world. I needed to cut; I needed to calm myself.  
  
Without a second thought I was sitting on the ground, blade sliding across my skin. Once, twice, thrice, but that wasn't enough. Minutes later, when I was finally done, my lap was covered in blood and I was panting harshly. There were sixteen cuts across my arms, in total, making a bizarre abstract painting across the pale skin of my arms. Luckily, or... perhaps not so luckily, I hadn't hit any major veins. That didn't stop me from being dizzy with blood loss, though.  
  
Abruptly grabbing my beat-up duffle bag, I finally dragged myself away from the wreckage to get my mission over and done with. I sighed and tried to ignore the pain that was coursing through me; pain from loss, pain from rediscovered memories and pain from my battered forearms. Hopefully my mission could take my mind off of the pain of my past, as well as my wrists.

* * *

**  
(Heero's POV)**  
  
I leaned back onto my bed, the whole time berating myself for my idiocy. I had sent Duo off to L-2 all alone, with a problem like that? How stupid can I get? The stoic practical part of me, said that I was overreacting; Duo had survived the whole entire war with that problem, perhaps even his whole life. The more moral side of me, though, was screaming at me to help him, to save him, to at least be with him.  
  
The rational side won when I had sent Duo on his way, acting as if nothing had changed. But nothing has changed, the logical part of me said, he's always been like that. I don't know how I knew that Duo's cutting was not a new condition, but I did. Maybe it was the gut instinct that I had tuned and trained over the years, but that wasn't what mattered.  
  
My thought drifted back to Duo's recent mission. He had been on L-2 for almost a day now, but Lady Une hadn't heard of him yet. She had even sent out Preventers on L-2 to locate him, but they came back empty handed. I, along with the other Gundam pilots, had learned during the war that if Duo didn't want of be found, then he wouldn't be. Especially, I thought, on the streets of his home colony.  
  
"Heero?" a voice spoke through the locked door of my room. It sounded like Trowa. "Lady Une, vid-phone, now." If nothing else Trowa was concise and to the point, as always. I wondered how a chatter-box like Quatre could stand it sometimes.  
  
I pulled myself off of my bed and dragged myself out the door and down the hallway to our all-purpose room. I sat down at the breakfast bar and pulled the vid-phone in front of me. Lady Une calmly regarded me from behind her customary glasses and cold façade.  
  
"Heero," she greeted.  
  
"Lady Une," I replied. We stared at each other for a minute or two, neither of us relenting in our silence. Finally she broke and spoke.  
  
"Have you heard from Duo lately?" I shook my head negative. "You know the details of his mission, correct." A quick nod of assent and she continued, "And you know that something as simple as a search and destroy mission shouldn't be too much for Duo to handle. Is there anything you know that I should be aware of; something, perhaps, that would explain his blatant refusal to follow orders?" I nodded once again. She quirked an eyebrow, expecting more.  
  
"Duo has some issues that may be interfering with his judgment." I know she expected more but the finality in my tone left no room for questioning. She nodded, trusting my judgment.  
  
"Find him, Heero. Find him and bring him home," in a rare show of emotion she finished softly, "please..."  
  
"Mission accepted."

* * *

As I stepped off the shuttle in the L-2 space port, I took in my surroundings. Everything was covered in a thick layer of dirt and smoke, like any other place on the rundown colony of L-2; I could smell the stench of garbage and old blood. It was nothing I hadn't encountered before.  
  
As I made my way through the space port, I noticed the erratic placing of the Preventers' police force. They were always in clumps, in odd locations. No sense of unified power, and no structure. And Lady Une wondered why these guys couldn't find Duo? Did she think so little of the Gundam pilot? I would truly be surprised if the L-2 Preventers could find their shoes in the morning. No wonder Duo had avoided them so easily.  
  
I headed towards the stair up to the street level, passing one of the luggage carousels on my way. I was keeping to the shadows so he must not have noticed me. I noticed him, though; Duo was sitting on one of the exposed ceiling rafters. He was dressed in his customary black priest-like outfit and a black baseball hat. His face was hidden in shadow, but there was no mistaking him for anyone other than Duo Maxwell.  
  
As I watched, Duo pulled out the parts to a long distance rifle. Snapping the different component together he held a custom rifle of his own design. Looking through the scope I saw him aim. Before I knew it the shot had been fire and the screaming began.  
  
Duo's target had been a rotund man in an expensive, custom Armani suit. Blood was pooling around the head where a single, perfectly aimed shot had been fired right into his forehead. I was always amazed with Duo's long distance aiming; sometimes he didn't even need a scope to be that accurate.  
  
As Duo turned to flee, I noticed that he looked paler than I thought he would, almost as if he were sick... or suffering from blood loss. I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and walked out into the open. I saw Duo glance my way and then disappear into the shadows.  
  
Two hours later found me in the slums of L-2. I had been following Duo since the incident in the space port. He wasn't trying to hide where he was going. His movements were irregular, but not unpredictable enough to follow. He led me through back alleys over hotel roofs and finally into a deserted and condemned neighborhood. When I finally caught up to him he was sitting on a bench in front of some sort of old battle field.  
  
As I got closer I could see the old sign behind the bench that stated, for the world to see, that this was the site of the Maxwell Church Tragedy. I was shocked at first but the logical part of me said that I shouldn't be; this was Duo's old home, so why wouldn't he want to visit it. Because, the more emotional side of me argued, this is a place of horrible memories for him. This was the home of his youth and he blamed himself for its destruction.  
  
I approached Duo slowly, like I would approach an injured anima: with the utmost care and concern. When he made no move to acknowledge me, I cautiously sat on the dirty bench next to him.  
  
Then I saw it.  
  
Duo's arms were no longer the pale color that his skin normally was but were now red with blood. There had to be at least fifteen cuts crisscrossed over his wrists and forearms. I inspected the rest of Duo with the ease of someone not disturbed in the least by bloodshed. His face had a sickly pallor to it and his eyes were glassy and half-lidded.  
  
I was faintly surprised when he suddenly spoke. His voice was slurred, almost as if he had been drinking, but I knew better. Whenever Duo was exhausted, his speech regained its original L-2 slur.  
  
"Hey, Heero... Watcha doin' here? Wasn't 'spectin' ya ta be here, considerin' ya don't care 'bout me much 'tall..."  
  
I answered with the truth, even thought the sentimental side of me was yelling at me to comfort him. "I'm here on a mission to bring you back to Lady Une. Did you complete your mission?" I saw, rather than heard him sigh as he nodded. Good, I thought, that would be one less thing he'd have to explain to Lady Une once we got back.  
  
I picked Duo up, amazingly without any protests from him, and started the long way back to the space port, walking through the depressing area that used to be Duo's childhood neighborhood.

* * *

Please review because that is what my muse and I live on. Flames will be used to cook yummy food (i.e. quesadillas and manicotti).  
  
**Thank you to...**   
  
Dana Archer: Yes, it did cause him to do something very stupid, fRuiTdevil: you're very much welcome. Also, thanks- I'm glad you thought it was funny as I was trying to lighten the atmosphere a little bit before I drowned everyone with the angst of this chapter, LiLPixi: I'm glad you like it, Chiisai Angel: Thanks, and yes poor, poor Duo, stuck on L-2 but not for long, Rena Lupin: I don't know if this is soon, per se... but at least I updated, Kiyomi22: I'm glad you were able to see the humor in it, and I'm glad you liked Duo's names and his comebacks. I had a lot of fun with those. I'm pleased you liked the description of L-2, as I'm pretty proud of it, ShinigamiPhoenix: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it so far, and yes, I know the second chapter was short. This one is longer, so hopefully it will make up for it. I agree, it is amazingly hard to keep Duo's humor while writing such an angsty fic, without making him extra cynical, that is. I'm glad you liked my portrayal of Duo and Heero's relationship, or lack thereof. Eventually the relationship will actually go somewhere, but not yet. Thanks again, Feanturi Dindel: I'm glad you liked and I tried to update as fast as I could  
  
Thanks everybody for all of the encouragement. If I missed anybody, then I'm sorry, I'll get you next time. 


	4. Clarity

**Breaking the Habit**

By: Rashalla Entalio

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**Disclaimer, Warnings and Pairings: If you haven't read them then please go back and do so. Thanks!**  
  
**This chapter is dedicated to Rocaddict. You should all thank her because she was the one that threatened to steal my Duo plushie to make me finish writing this.  
  
Instead of a recommendation, I'm going to do some shameless advertising: Please visit my fan fiction archive (and leave me a nice little note in my guestbook pouts please...): The Aficionado's Archive at www. geocities. com/ lpduozero (just take out the spaces).  
  
A/N: **This entire chapter is in **Heero's POV**. Oh, and a note about the conversations Heero has with himself: pretend he has a shoulder Quatre and Dr. J. That's kind of how I imagine it. He has the part that was trained into a soldier (the mini Dr. J) and the more emotional side (the mini-Quatre, okay so not that emotional, but you get the point ;)). Seriously, though, people who don't have conversations with themselves are really the crazy ones.

Well, (takes a deep breath) without further adieu, let the show begin... (pulls curtains back as the lights dim)

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**Chapter Four of Breaking the Habit: Clarity**

"**_But now I have some clarity,_**

_**To show you what I mean..."**_

**-- From "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park**

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On the way back to Earth I sat in the uncomfortable shuttle chair with Duo on my lap the whole entire time. He had passed out a little before take-off and hadn't woken up yet. He had lost a lot of blood, but I knew that he was tougher than most people gave him credit for. After all, he had survived an OZ prison at the age of fifteen. At seventeen, if he couldn't handle it, then very few people probably could.

Duo shifted in my lap, cuddling closer towards my heat. It felt kind of nice to be needed, not just as a soldier, but as a person, as an individual.

As I pulled away from my thoughts, I took in my surroundings. There was a young mother and her little boy sitting in front of us. The boy, every so often, would look back and glance at Duo. He looked at me once or twice, but the boy seemed totally in awe of Duo, for what ever reason.

Eventually the little boy spoke up, his clear alto sounded like a bell, and his lopsided smile reminded me of Duo's own.

"Mommy says she holds me tight when I'm asleep because she doesn't want to loose me and because she loves me and she says that most people hold each other when they're in love. Why do you hold him? Do you want you and him to be together for always or do you love him?"

I think I was momentarily thrown off balance. For a few minutes I just thought. Did I want to stay with Duo forever? I wanted to make sure he was safe, yes. He was a great partner, definitely. Did I want something more? Once again the two sides of me rebelled against each other. The soldier in me yelled that he was useful and nothing else, but the more emotional side whispered softly that I wanted Duo with me because of his smile, his laugh, because of his seemingly perfect nature, as well as all of his numerous flaws.

A few breaths later and the sentimental side whispered to me again, this time it said something I knew, but never quite wanted to admit. I love Duo Maxwell. No, not just his cheerfulness or his off-color jokes, no I loved the real Duo Maxwell, the one who hurts himself, yet the one who was brave and stead-fast, like I never would be. I loved everything about him, I just... well, I was almost entirely positive that I would never be brave enough to tell him that.

I was startled back into reality when the little boy asked impatiently, "Well?" I frowned a bit but answered anyway, knowing that it couldn't hurt telling my feelings to this inquisitive little boy.

"I never want to leave him, and I love him very much."

"Good," the little boy said, "He needs you. Mommy says that everyone needs someone to look after and someone to look after them." It was uncanny how the boy's words rang true. Hmmm, Can you say "wisdom beyond his years?" No? Well I can.

The shuttle jerked me out of my thoughts as we finally landed in the Tokyo space port in Japan. I was finally home; we were finally home.

I stepped off the shuttle into the space port, Duo sleeping restlessly in my arms.

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**A/N:** Yes, I know, this is really short; blame it on Analytical English and Geometry. (Not to mention the fact that I decided to completely change the plot at this point). The next chapter should be out in about a week.

**Thank you...**

**Feanturi Dindel**: Yes, Duo is blunt, but I think it fits him very well; **Kiyomi22**: I'm glad you like the descriptions and here's even more insight into Heero's emotions/thoughts; **Rena Lupin**: I'm sorry this isn't soon and that it isn't much more; **phisper**: Sorry! I know it isn't soon, but... at least I updated, and yes, I did mean that Heero actually picked him up and carried him off; **starbugkenny**: I hope you didn't wait too long; **ShinigamiPhoenix**: Your very welcome for the dedication, I'm glad you like my Duo- I tried so hard to get his emotions across and I was so happy when you mentioned all of his feelings, I practically jumped up and down when I read that you like my description of Duo's cutting- I wasn't sure if had gone over the top or not, and lastly- I'm glad you like my Heero- I wasn't sure if his conversations with himself were going to be too confusing or not; **Shuichi-404**: yes... it's sad, but this chapter is happy... or at least it's fluffy and emotional, does that count?; **qwerty**: first- I love your name, second, here's the update; **Goddess-Shalamar**: Woo Hoo! Angst and Candy! Sorry that this chapter is kind of lacking in angst; **Michikaru**: Okay, so it's not soon, sorry, Oh and thank you for putting BTH on your fave stories list; **fiery-icicles**: yup, cuteness is good, yes, I agree- bad Duo, but without him I wouldn't have a plot... not that it's much of a plot anyway, but oh well

Sorry, once again to everyone who begged me to continue! Here's a little something to keep you all satisfied until I can figure out my next plot twist. Enjoy!


	5. An Apology

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**I am sorry to announce that "Breaking the Habit" is being put on the back burners for a while. I am having some major personal issues and it has simply become to emotionally hard for me to write this story at this time. I do not intend to abandon this fic, but you can probably expect not to see any updates for a while (anywhere from a month to six, depending on certain issues). If I continued this story write now, I probably wouldn't do it justice.**

**For now, I would like to thank everyone who has read this story so far, especially all of my wonderful reviewers.**

**I will be posting other stories, but most of them will probably be based on much happier topics than "Breaking the Habit." You can expect to see a few teasers posted within the next week to how everyone responds to them.**

**I'm sorry for all of you that had been waiting for chapter five, and instead found this.**

**Again I thank you for reading this far, and apologizing for not being able to continue this fic at this time. ****Cheers and love to everybody, wherever you may be-- Rasha**

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